[And now Edward wishes he hadn't sat down so he could find something to busy himself with. He shifts his weight in his seat.
He can't use his usual line about getting back to work. Ship isn't any worse for wear as far as cleaning is concerned, and he's not going to use his inmate as an excuse. He doesn't really have something he can use as a dodge here.]
[Edward wonders if Norton's throwing it in his face on purpose, then figures he probably is. And it should be fair -- would be. Edward gave tit for tat during the injury flood, and if it makes things even between them, settle the uneasiness since the last time they talked, he doesn't necessarily have a problem with it.
Doesn't make it easier. And doesn't mean he doesn't need time to build himself up to it.]
You're right. [Beat.] Have to admit, I was wondering if you were still mad about last time. I was surprised to see you.
[Edward is thinking that very thing: Water under the bridge... that's being splashed into his face. Which leaves him overall not sure how he feels about it.
But, he reasons, how he feels doesn't really matter. It doesn't put this on the same level of Norton confessing things to Edward when he shouldn't have remembered it, but it helps.
Because of the collapse of civilization and struggle to survive? [Edward has said emphatically before that he's not a zombie, so Norton won't bring those up.]
[Edward shakes his head.] Not really. Yeah, it was hell. There was no way to really be prepared for it, even though I'd tried. But living through it again through the breach doesn't bother me. That probably doesn't make any sense, but it's the truth. And the struggle to survive felt normal. I'd even say it was easier than back home.
No, it was... [Edward studies Norton for a long moment.] It was the part you lived through.
Becoming a zombie, you mean? I can see some connection, the tragic loss of good looks, but you're not a cannibal or nutters.
[This is something Norton can talk about easily enough, being a half-mad cannibalistic zombie. He doesn't let breaches stick to him. He's usually good at compartmentalizing and breaches make it even easier by making the other life so different that it's usually no trouble for him to mentally bundle it up and file it someplace separate from his own life.]
[From what Edward can tell, Norton is good at putting a strong face forward. He doesn't believe he knows him well enough to be able to comfortably recognize when he is or isn't masking. But he thinks he's being genuine enough. Good. He doesn't have to worry too much about trampling on something painful.
Besides. Edward's made a personal policy of taking people here at face value unless given reason otherwise. It's one thing to take what you're told with a grain of salt, to allow room for differing interpretation of experience if nothing else, and another entirely to constantly second-guess everything everyone around you says. It'd be exhausting, and more importantly, it's no way to build trust, which is critical to doing the job right, based on what he's seen and heard.
Edward lets out a long, heavy sigh.] Not now. But one day, maybe. Ghouls can... lose themselves. Go feral. Mostly mindless. Aggressive. Hungry. There are more feral ghouls than there are non-feral. If you go into the wrong parts of the Commonwealth, you get the impression that entire towns became feral ghouls.
[Norton frowns at the explanation. It explains why the breach so unnerved Edward, since it touches closely on something in his real life, a very real and personal fear. But it's also a puzzle, and Norton's curiosity is piqued.]
Why? Why does it happen?
In the breach, the fungus was growing into my brain, physically damaging it. Why do ghouls go feral? I could understand if it were the initial radiation, if for some people it damaged the brain tissue along with skin and such. But your exposure and transformation was an awfully long time ago and you've been stable since.
We don't know. There was a case not too long ago about a ghoul going feral in the middle of a settlement, but there's no way of knowing why it happened. We just know that it does.
And we know there are sometimes signs of their old personalities. Personal belongings in their pockets. Hanging around places they lived in. They're common to see in cemetaries, too. As if they know they're supposed to be dead. So there's a good chance there's still... something... in there.
[Edward pauses. Then, after a moment, he decides to take his thoughts and externalize them. If this is about evening the score, then it's only fair.]
That's one I hadn't considered. But... While I don't distrust deals the way I did when I took the job, I'm still not sure about making one for something like that.
A vaccine would be a good idea, if there was a reliable way to deliver it across the country to where it's needed. Which there isn't. But even if I included that as part of the deal, that's the kind of thing that could cause a war in its own way.
In the beginning, I thought about the obvious ideas. Changing history so the Great War didn't happen. Purify the water. Make it easier to grow food. That kind of thing. But when I thought about the consequences... The ripple effects... [Edward shakes his head.] They're good ideas. But who knows what they'd turn into.
If the Great War didn't happen, something would still have to give. And it'd feel a little too much like playing God, when you think about people who might not have been born if it wasn't for the wasteland. When it comes to food, water, medicine -- Someone would decide to control access to that. And the people who needed it, or wanted that kind of control, would decide to try and take it. It wouldn't necessarily solve anything.
[Norton chuckles slightly.] I've given similar answers explaining why I don't use time travel to stop the second war. Change things on that large a scale and the consequences are hard to predict. The war was horrific and so many people died in so many awful ways, but I don't want to be personally responsible for inadvertently creating a timeline where a fascist British Empire burns and loots it's way across the globe in the 1970s or something like that. The world's had quite enough of that already.
So, no changing the past, and no vaccine because some arse would seize control of the supply and use it for power. Because of course they would.
And... He hesitates again. But they're on the topic, and he's already told his current inmate. All this is evening the score, yeah, and he'd want to do that if this situation was happening with someone he didn't know or like as well. But he does like Norton, even trusts him more than average after he looked after him in his coma. So if he's going to tell his inmate, despite not knowing him and purely for the sake of the job, then he should tell Norton, too.]
I've been thinking about giving it to an inmate, but... Assuming I keep it, my deal on paper is on a small scale. I've talked before about how I manage things like security for my boss. Recently, a facility my boss was using got attacked, and none of my guards survived. Getting a deal wasn't my reason for coming here, but reviving them, at least, is a safe choice. And I can fulfill a responsibility to them as the person who put them there, even if they understood the risks and got paid appropriately for them.
[Edward shrugs one shoulder, looking almost sheepish -- as if he's been caught doing something he shouldn't.]
Not really. But... It's something with weight to it, but not so much that it'd be the second end of the world if it didn't pan out. It had to be something I was willing to risk. I didn't want to go with something... too impactful. In case it didn't happen, or in case it went wrong. And if it did work, it'd be a waste if I went with something frivolous, or something I could easily do myself.
[A beat.] I haven't told anyone that's why. I know how it sounds.
[Edward sighs.] But I know there's this expectation sometimes for wardens to be all... morally intact. Pretty sure that isn't possible any more, back where I'm from. You need a hard streak if you're gonna survive there.
I think it's an inmate expectation, more than fellow wardens. I mean, wardens expect at least a certain level of basic decency from their colleagues of course, but I think it's the inmates who sometimes most strongly feel that it's unfair if a warden too closely resembles themselves by being morally ambiguous. Unless the person is a graduated inmate, then it's okay.
Not about any wardens. I sometimes thought it unfair I was an inmate, but that's a bit different.
I think...even though I'm not from a world like yours, I had to grow hard to survive. Different reasons for it, and maybe went too far. But there were times as an inmate I thought to myself, "Surely I'm not that bad. I'm a good-ish person, aren't I? No worse than most?"
[Edward drums his fingers on his knee for a moment.]
When I spoke to my inmate for this month, he asked if I knew anything about how to graduate. And even though I've been here for a little while, if I'm entirely honest, I still can't make heads or tails of it. There's no how-to for any of this, on either side of the line. And people don't typically talk openly about it. Probably because it's so personal, but it's not exactly helpful for the people who are still inmates, or for the new wardens.
If I wanted to put something together -- interviews, I guess, and some kind of writing compiling the information -- Would you be willing to share your experience for it?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
undisguised) wrote2022-08-27 09:17 pm
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[He crosses one leg daintily over the other.]
You've made yourself scarce lately. Ever since the breach.
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He can't use his usual line about getting back to work. Ship isn't any worse for wear as far as cleaning is concerned, and he's not going to use his inmate as an excuse. He doesn't really have something he can use as a dodge here.]
... I suppose so.
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You already know all about my personal business, so it's only fair.
[Even though Edward didn't ask to know Norton's personal business.]
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Doesn't make it easier. And doesn't mean he doesn't need time to build himself up to it.]
You're right. [Beat.] Have to admit, I was wondering if you were still mad about last time. I was surprised to see you.
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[While also absolutely throwing the thing they argued about into Edward's face on purpose after refusing to talk about it a month ago.]
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But, he reasons, how he feels doesn't really matter. It doesn't put this on the same level of Norton confessing things to Edward when he shouldn't have remembered it, but it helps.
He rubs his forehead under the brim of his hat.]
The breach. It... hit too close to home.
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No, it was... [Edward studies Norton for a long moment.] It was the part you lived through.
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[This is something Norton can talk about easily enough, being a half-mad cannibalistic zombie. He doesn't let breaches stick to him. He's usually good at compartmentalizing and breaches make it even easier by making the other life so different that it's usually no trouble for him to mentally bundle it up and file it someplace separate from his own life.]
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Besides. Edward's made a personal policy of taking people here at face value unless given reason otherwise. It's one thing to take what you're told with a grain of salt, to allow room for differing interpretation of experience if nothing else, and another entirely to constantly second-guess everything everyone around you says. It'd be exhausting, and more importantly, it's no way to build trust, which is critical to doing the job right, based on what he's seen and heard.
Edward lets out a long, heavy sigh.] Not now. But one day, maybe. Ghouls can... lose themselves. Go feral. Mostly mindless. Aggressive. Hungry. There are more feral ghouls than there are non-feral. If you go into the wrong parts of the Commonwealth, you get the impression that entire towns became feral ghouls.
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Why? Why does it happen?
In the breach, the fungus was growing into my brain, physically damaging it. Why do ghouls go feral? I could understand if it were the initial radiation, if for some people it damaged the brain tissue along with skin and such. But your exposure and transformation was an awfully long time ago and you've been stable since.
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We don't know. There was a case not too long ago about a ghoul going feral in the middle of a settlement, but there's no way of knowing why it happened. We just know that it does.
And we know there are sometimes signs of their old personalities. Personal belongings in their pockets. Hanging around places they lived in. They're common to see in cemetaries, too. As if they know they're supposed to be dead. So there's a good chance there's still... something... in there.
no subject
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That's one I hadn't considered. But... While I don't distrust deals the way I did when I took the job, I'm still not sure about making one for something like that.
A vaccine would be a good idea, if there was a reliable way to deliver it across the country to where it's needed. Which there isn't. But even if I included that as part of the deal, that's the kind of thing that could cause a war in its own way.
In the beginning, I thought about the obvious ideas. Changing history so the Great War didn't happen. Purify the water. Make it easier to grow food. That kind of thing. But when I thought about the consequences... The ripple effects... [Edward shakes his head.] They're good ideas. But who knows what they'd turn into.
If the Great War didn't happen, something would still have to give. And it'd feel a little too much like playing God, when you think about people who might not have been born if it wasn't for the wasteland. When it comes to food, water, medicine -- Someone would decide to control access to that. And the people who needed it, or wanted that kind of control, would decide to try and take it. It wouldn't necessarily solve anything.
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So, no changing the past, and no vaccine because some arse would seize control of the supply and use it for power. Because of course they would.
[He huffs.] People are terrible.
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And... He hesitates again. But they're on the topic, and he's already told his current inmate. All this is evening the score, yeah, and he'd want to do that if this situation was happening with someone he didn't know or like as well. But he does like Norton, even trusts him more than average after he looked after him in his coma. So if he's going to tell his inmate, despite not knowing him and purely for the sake of the job, then he should tell Norton, too.]
I've been thinking about giving it to an inmate, but... Assuming I keep it, my deal on paper is on a small scale. I've talked before about how I manage things like security for my boss. Recently, a facility my boss was using got attacked, and none of my guards survived. Getting a deal wasn't my reason for coming here, but reviving them, at least, is a safe choice. And I can fulfill a responsibility to them as the person who put them there, even if they understood the risks and got paid appropriately for them.
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Not really. But... It's something with weight to it, but not so much that it'd be the second end of the world if it didn't pan out. It had to be something I was willing to risk. I didn't want to go with something... too impactful. In case it didn't happen, or in case it went wrong. And if it did work, it'd be a waste if I went with something frivolous, or something I could easily do myself.
[A beat.] I haven't told anyone that's why. I know how it sounds.
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[It makes more sense to him than honour does, although he knows on a theoretical level how honour can motivate some people.]
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[Edward sighs.] But I know there's this expectation sometimes for wardens to be all... morally intact. Pretty sure that isn't possible any more, back where I'm from. You need a hard streak if you're gonna survive there.
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I think...even though I'm not from a world like yours, I had to grow hard to survive. Different reasons for it, and maybe went too far. But there were times as an inmate I thought to myself, "Surely I'm not that bad. I'm a good-ish person, aren't I? No worse than most?"
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When I spoke to my inmate for this month, he asked if I knew anything about how to graduate. And even though I've been here for a little while, if I'm entirely honest, I still can't make heads or tails of it. There's no how-to for any of this, on either side of the line. And people don't typically talk openly about it. Probably because it's so personal, but it's not exactly helpful for the people who are still inmates, or for the new wardens.
If I wanted to put something together -- interviews, I guess, and some kind of writing compiling the information -- Would you be willing to share your experience for it?
no subject